d E p R i V e D

when i was so little,
like 2 years old,
my parents left me under the care of the sister of my grandmother
[who is also my grandmother]
I call her Mama Esing.
i grew up away from my family.
Mama was quite strict.
i never understood her.

when i was growing, she hardly allowed me to play with other children.
she was also not allowing me to attend school fun activies like campings and fieldtrips.
i never understood her.

at a young age, she trained me with houseworks.
but i wanted to play.
i was deprived of my rights--to play and have fun.
so i never understood her.

she get mad whenever i can't read the time.
she spanked me for little mistake.
she scolded me all the time.
i never liked her.
i never understood her.

there were lot of don'ts.
lot of rules.
i was like a bird in a cage.
but i never complain.
i never question.
i always follow.

i became an introvert.
i talked to my dolls.
i talked to myself in the mirror.
i talked to cats and dogs.
I always daydreamed i was a superhero.
i played a scientist and tried make the greatest expirement
by combining nail polish, alcohol, vinegar, shampoo, etc. and
cooking it after.
i played a farmer and tried to make my own little farm where i planted
grass and weeds.
i climbed trees.
i cooked our goldfish.
i planted kisses air freshener in the ground thinking that it will propagate.
when i was sad or mad, i climbed trees and write my thoughts in a piece of paper then i buried it.
i attempted to kill myself by eating a piece of paper.
when my father came to visit me, i always hid.
i was so shy.
i was 10 i remember.
on his birthday, i gave him one menthol candy as a gift.
i wrapped it in a pad paper and wrote happy birthday several times.
i put it inside his bag.
the next day, he was complaining that his bag was full of ants.
then he found the candy full of ants and he threw it away.
he never found out that it was my gift.
it was a bad idea.

one valentines day, i was grade 3,
i made my Mama a valentines card.
i was so shy to give it directly.
so i hid it inside a pail full of cut cloths.
i hid it well and expecting her to see it.
ofcourse she didn't.
another bad idea.

it was or i was really funny.
i enjoy reminiscing.
despite the bitter childhood experience, i loved my grandmother.
i loved her more than my parents.
more than my real grandparents.
when i was 7, my parents went back to get me.
i was crying.
insisting to stay.
not wanting to leave her.
scared not to be with her.
but Mama was scolding me.
wanting me to leave.
but in my little heart, i know she doesn't want me to leave too.
i know she wanted to cry too.
i know she'd miss me too.
but she never showed her emotions.
i fought.
i cried out loud until my parents gave up on me.
they left me with her.
and things went the same.
she was still tyrant.
but i didn't mind.
i didn't care as long as im with her.
but we were both aware that time will come when we both have to part.
which did happen when i was going to college.
i was granted a scholarship in a crowded city.
far from our little world.
i had to go for my own good.
for my future.
so we part.
now she's alone.
always sad and worried
always praying that i'll be safe.
i want to be with her.
i want to ease her worries.
but im helpless.
i always call her though.
we still keep in touch.
i love her.
i really do.
now i understand her.
why she was doing the things she did.
that was to protect me.
and prepare me for the bigger world.
her approach was quite odd
but i say its effective and it worked.
she rared me with love and care.
so i want to return it.
maybe not now yet,
but sooner i know.
i promise.